another detox

February 6, 2012

After I just made brownies. But they didn’t turn out too well, so maybe it will be easier.

I also just bought an espresso machine. I am not giving up coffee. One cup a day.

As much as possible, I will eat only things that come out of the ground. Natural as possible. No chemicals. Maybe a juice fast during the day – Coffee and oatmeal for breakfast. Juice for lunch. Dinner of some sort of veggies.

I need to get healthy. For my teeth, for my sanity, for everything.

sigh.

February 3, 2012

Bureaucracy should be spelled Bureaucrazy.

Hierarchy should be spelled bullsh*t.

Respect should be the only thing part of life.

I’m tired.

February 3, 2012

I took a second job. It is perfect. I transcribe audio files with an academic bent – oral histories of medical schools and education is what I am doing now. I do it on my own time, in my own place, and I only had to buy a $50 pedal to get started.

I also make the same amount of money per hour as I do at my full time job with more than a decade’s worth experience and a lot more stress.

Is it really that hard to believe that I am a little jaded with my full-time job?

The dreaded desk move happened this week, too. Instead of looking at a clerestory windows, I stare at a bright red wall, and my computer screen faces the entire department. I can no long do anything but hard-core work.

And I am super busy. There is a lot going on right now. Tomorrow, I decided to work from home in the morning, and then take the afternoon off. I had the afternoon off for a week, and asked to work from home this afternoon. That perhaps was maybe not the brightest idea, but frankly, everyone else in my position gets to do it, why can’t I?

It’s really that I am working from home because I don’t want to go into the office for two hours. But it doesn’t look that way from my boss’ perspective, I’m thinking. I have to make sure to send her lots of emails starting at 8:00 tomorrow morning, and throughout the day. Just to ensure she knows I am working my butt off. Even though, I won’t be.

I should be transcribing now, but starting at 9:30 at night does not sound pleasant. I will probably go to bed soon, and get up while Jeff is getting ready for work and transcribe in the wee hours of the day.

I am punchy today. I don’t really want to deal with people who don’t offer the same concessions when I do the same work. I suppose on one hand, I should stick with it – at least for another year and a half. Then, I can make a choice as to what to do, and hopefully be able to set that choice up so that it is an easy one.

There is a lot in my life I want to do. Living a nine-to-fiver in a cubicle with 12 different bosses isn’t one of them. But I can’t disregard that piece and destroy chances of getting out of it soon.

pft.

January 17, 2012

Write write write write write write. I like the feel of keys beneath my fingers. 

Edit edit edit edit edit edit edit edit. Oh, red pens. The puzzle of making sense of something with grammatical accuracy and organization of understanding. I enjoy doing this both with numbers and with words.  

Read read read read read read read. To be lost in another story that is not my own. To learn something that is fascinating. 

Observe observe observe observe observe. To watch, engage, reflect, be a part of without having to engage. 

These are my passions. These are the things I cannot help but do. 

These are the things that I worry if I turn it into a profession, I will be happy. Or seriously miserable. 

I can execute, but they don’t know how I execute. They just see it as execution. Doing what I am told. To be more honest to the process, it is an organization of ideas and concepts into one thing that makes sense, and then efficiently doing that one thing. Just because I do not muse incessantly about something, or fight against someone does not mean that I do not bring insight to the process. 

Yet, at the same time, I can see their utterance of execution merely as a nice way of saying that I am manipulated by anyone. Look how gullible she is. Yes, I am gullible. Yes, I take what people tell me as an honest representation before scoffing off an idea. But that does not speak ill of me anymore than it speaks ill of anyone who takes advantage of it. 

I’m sick.

January 16, 2012

it sucks.

I have never felt this awful before.

Self – the next time you want to take time off work because you are sick, remind yourself of what being sick really is.

It isn’t misery at work.

It is not being able to move. Or hold up your head. Or open your eyes without pain. Or breathe.

It is not sneezing or coughing incessantly.

I just want to breathe. If only I knew how to do that.

so, she sucks.

January 8, 2012

There was a chick I went to high school with. She is pretty, smart, and everyone loved her. Including the guy I had a crush on – his excuse to me was that I was too young, then he turned around dated her – a full year younger than me. 

It was one of many scenarios like that. I knew why it happened, too, but I didn’t know how to deal with it. I still don’t, but I’m feeling a little better about it. 

She just got back from nearly two years traveling the world. She sold nearly all of her possessions, and went to every continent – except Antarctica. She lived all over the world. 

She did exactly what I have always wanted to do. And by herself. 

I could never do that. 

I realize that. If I didn’t have Jeff, I would never have moved to Seattle, let alone traveled the world. 

That is where she beats me. She is so much more fearless than I am. That is why she just got back from an amazing trip, and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. 

But I feel as though I am on a better path, mentally. This last month has been hard for me. Hell, the last two years have been hard on me, and it came to a culmination in the last month. But it made me realize that things are no longer something that will change in the next few years. And things are not bad. I have the dream job – at least what I have been working toward in a professional capacity for the last 10 years. My husband has a good job. Things are progressing the way that any normal way should. 

I realized that I am in the place that I was working toward, without trying. I worked my ass off, don’t get me wrong. 

This year, I am going to try. This year, I am going to try to at least make my own trip around the world – even though it won’t be that. 

something.

January 3, 2012

oh right. I remembered what I was going to say. 

Here is the deal. January. 2012. I have a lot to pay for coming up. With that said, here is where my next two paychecks will go:

A Prairie Home Companion tickets. Four. for my folks, Jeff and I. A belated Christmas gift. 

Paying down Jeff’s credit card. 

Savings. 

Food – preferably from the store, not the restaurant. 

That’s it. I am not spending anything else. Done and done. 

 

so, another year.

December 31, 2011

2012 is on the horizon. This last year sucked. A lot. I lost littlen. That was basically the worse thing that ever happened to me. I can’t get over it. I lost trust in a lot of people, nearly left Jeff, and really don’t feel as though I have many people I can count on. I felt alone for most of this year, but I know there are people out there who would take care of me, and stayed by me no matter what happened. 

Other good things happened. We bought a house. Jeff got a job that although it isn’t perfect, it isn’t a call center. We decided to stop trying not to have a baby. 

I don’t know what to think about the next year, but I have learned not to just let it happen. Yeah – you have to let it happen, but you can change the course of events, too. You can at least try. This year, I vow to try. 

here’s the deal.

December 21, 2011

I miss Seattle. A whole lot. I feel like I belonged in Seattle, much more than I belong here.

But, it took me three+ years to figure that out. I was actually searching for homes and apartments in the Midwest – in particular, the Twin Cities – for the first three years.

I am trying to resolve that in my head, and realize that I have only spent a year and a half here.

But, even after only 4 months in Seattle, flying back into the airport after visiting family back in Iowa, I felt home. Seeing that skyline and taking the taxi back to our apartment – I felt HOME.

I have yet to have that feeling here.

Home is an elusive thing. I can’t quite place it, and I don’t want to even try. Home is where my husband is, my kitties. That is really what it amounts to. But there is a connection to place that cannot be ignored. I miss that. Immensely.

I also miss actually doing work. I was paid more, and I created things and I was challenged and I loved the work. I shifted my perspective, did things I never thought I would do, and actually enjoyed it. Now, I work at my dream company and dislike what I do. I don’t feel challenged at all. I don’t feel motivated either.

I like the company, I like the people I work with, I like the hours, I like the balance. I don’t like the work.

And I am seriously unmotivated (ok, depressed enough) to not be able to do anything but my current job.

I have other opportunities, that I just can’t wrap my head around. I hope I can do so, and soon.

next year

December 11, 2011

Starting my new year’s resolutions sooner than January 1. 

I am not going to purchase anything other than necessary for the next year. This is an attempt to save money. 

Purchases for the house are: AC unit, dining table & chairs, tiling backsplash, carpet upstairs, new computer. 

I want to be able to have a child soon. And we can’t afford it. And we have been really bad at spending money. Looking around in the last year and a half, we have purchased:

the house (obviously)
lamp near the entryway
mirror near the entryway
bench near the entryway
all christmas decorations
another bench
various vases on the mantel
platters over the fireplace
the fireplace repairs
couch
ipad
end table
chair and ottoman
rug
tv
blueray player
theater seat

and that’s just the living room. There are five more rooms on the main floor, an attic and a basement, too. 

There might be a reason we are poor. No more.